worth.

Every time someone says "Beauty comes from within," I want to tell them (and you'll have to excuse my language here) "You're full of crap." Because, honestly, no one believes that. It's nice to hear when you're having a fat day, but they're just fluff words.

I have a friend who is everything "beautiful" is supposed to be - skinny, tan and blond. But she hates herself. She always thinks that she needs to lose just five more pounds and then she'll be happy with herself. Or maybe if she had clearer skin she'd be pretty.

It's ridiculous.

I know from other people's experiences and my own that when you don't feel beautiful, you create victims: boys, food, friends who always have to listen to you complain about yourself . . .

It all comes down to worth. Daddy issues, nicknames from junior high that left scars, relationships that left you jaded - they all tend to make us feel worthless.

So we try to find our worth in guys. "Maybe, if I dress this way, he'll ask me out, and that means I'm pretty."

Or work.

Or school.

Or anywhere else that has never created worth.

And I'm one of those people. I'm currently grasping at straws trying to find my worth. Yes, I know the true source of my worth. But I don't seek it.

I kind of ignore it, actually.

Aesop once said, "Outside show is a poor substitute for inner worth."

I've taken that message to heart. So, after years on a self-esteem roller coaster, after always trying to make myself prettier so boys will like me, after countless self-deprecating conversations with the best friend, after several meltdowns before walking into a gym, and, finally, after a three-hour conversation with a wonderful friend outside Whole Foods (with ice cream, no less), I've decided something: I'm tired of hating myself.

Again, you'll have to excuse my language, but it kind of sucks. There is no true joy when you hate yourself.

Yeah, you can pretend to be happy. And, yeah, I was born and raised Baptist and am world-class at pretending everything is OK. But, what good is fake joy when there's a true, unequivocal joy just a few blocks away?

It doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm beautiful . . . or which people tell me I'm beautiful . . . or amazing, or hilarious, or smart or whatever. Because I don't quite believe it yet.

So, this is my creed, my vow, my commitment, my declaration: I'm going to find inner worth.

I'm going to stop hating myself. I'm going to stop thinking that losing weight will make me a better person. I'm going to stop thinking that not landing that perfect job right after college will be the end of me. I'm going to stop beating myself down.

So, let it be known to the great void of readers: I, Lauren Cathleen Brown, will love myself. It will probably take a while. A long while. But it will happen.

And, when it does . . .

Honestly, I don't quite know.

But, I know it's going to be wonderful.

what a Savior.

"Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers. He says, 'I will declare your name to my brothers [or sisters]; in the presence of the congregation I will sing your praises.' . . . And again he says, 'Here am I, and the children God has given me [that's me!].' Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death - that is, the devil - and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants [us believers in all our imperfections]. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."
-Hebrews 2:11-18

And I sure need some help.

yep.